1
00:00:00,100 --> 00:00:03,420
Lock and load, bitches.

2
00:00:03,460 --> 00:00:06,140
It's Class Wars!

3
00:00:06,180 --> 00:00:09,900
Mitchell, Rem Dogg, corridor. You're
the advancing German army.

4
00:00:09,940 --> 00:00:12,900
Right, it's the 27th May, 1940.

5
00:00:12,940 --> 00:00:15,300
Thousands of British troops
have been stranded

6
00:00:15,340 --> 00:00:17,140
on the beaches of Dunkirk.

7
00:00:17,180 --> 00:00:19,260
French beach?
Is it one of those topless ones?

8
00:00:19,300 --> 00:00:22,700
No, Chantelle. Keep your
clothes on, and prepare for battle!

9
00:00:31,660 --> 00:00:35,860
Hey, gang, I'm Mr Schwimer.

10
00:00:35,900 --> 00:00:38,060
Er, where did you come from?

11
00:00:38,100 --> 00:00:41,300
All the way from Harvard University,
sunshine state of California,

12
00:00:41,340 --> 00:00:43,300
reporting for duty, sir!

13
00:00:43,340 --> 00:00:45,380
Yeah, we're doing Dunkirk.

14
00:00:45,420 --> 00:00:47,740
Which means you're about
four years too early, mate.

15
00:00:47,780 --> 00:00:50,460
You're doing humour.
I love British humour.

16
00:00:50,500 --> 00:00:52,620
Corgies with me majesty, m'lud?

17
00:00:52,660 --> 00:00:54,180
Please can I have another crumpet!

18
00:00:54,220 --> 00:00:56,740
All right, settle down,
everybody. Take a seat.

19
00:00:56,780 --> 00:00:58,820
Is he fucking mental?

20
00:00:58,860 --> 00:01:01,700
Oi, Dick Van Dyke.
What the hell are you doing here?

21
00:01:01,740 --> 00:01:03,380
This is my class.

22
00:01:03,420 --> 00:01:06,740
Didn't Miss Pickwell tell you?
I'm here to take over Form K.

23
00:01:06,780 --> 00:01:10,260
Er, no, you're not,
these are my pupils.

24
00:01:10,300 --> 00:01:11,940
Sorry, hombre. Not anymore.

25
00:01:11,980 --> 00:01:17,340
Well, actually, yes, any more... hombre.
I'm in charge around here.

26
00:01:17,380 --> 00:01:20,660
I've got their respect.
I'm like a God to them.

27
00:01:20,700 --> 00:01:23,260
Sieg heil, Bastian
Schweinsteiger!

28
00:01:26,740 --> 00:01:29,380
What? Dunkirk was at sea.

29
00:02:00,220 --> 00:02:04,540
'Welcome to Radio Frase.
The chat quota of LBC,'

30
00:02:04,580 --> 00:02:10,500
but with a host who was loved
as a child. Avengers, Assemble-y!

31
00:02:10,540 --> 00:02:14,220
Last one there gets a
detention, unless it's Rem Dogg.

32
00:02:14,260 --> 00:02:18,300
First announcement
on the new Tannoy, check.

33
00:02:18,340 --> 00:02:20,420
Felt weird without any
trousers on.

34
00:02:20,460 --> 00:02:24,140
Note to self - fake tan
and white slacks don't mix...

35
00:02:24,180 --> 00:02:26,300
The Tannoy's still on, isn't it?

36
00:02:27,900 --> 00:02:30,980
'Just to clarify,
I am wearing underpants. '

37
00:02:31,020 --> 00:02:32,620
Oh, God!

38
00:02:40,660 --> 00:02:41,900
Have you seen Pickwell?

39
00:02:41,940 --> 00:02:45,180
God, when I see her, I'm going to
give it to her with both barrels.

40
00:02:47,940 --> 00:02:49,260
Dick.

41
00:02:49,300 --> 00:02:51,020
Maybe a change will do you good?

42
00:02:51,060 --> 00:02:53,860
Yeah, you would say that,
cradle snatcher.

43
00:02:53,900 --> 00:02:56,980
Alex is three years younger
than you. We're happy.

44
00:02:57,020 --> 00:02:58,220
Get over it.

45
00:02:58,260 --> 00:02:59,620
Did you have a fun weekend?

46
00:02:59,660 --> 00:03:01,700
We went for a lovely, romantic meal.

47
00:03:01,740 --> 00:03:04,260
A Happy Meal, was it?
What toy did she get?

48
00:03:04,300 --> 00:03:06,380
If anyone's a child here, it's you.
Great.

49
00:03:06,420 --> 00:03:09,140
Well, that means you can set
me and Alex up on play dates.

50
00:03:09,180 --> 00:03:11,620
Well, she does have
some very fun toys.

51
00:03:12,780 --> 00:03:14,020
Oh!

52
00:03:15,500 --> 00:03:20,180
Hello, welcome and awooga!

53
00:03:20,220 --> 00:03:24,420
Item one. The school's got a couple of
new furry friends. And I'm not

54
00:03:24,460 --> 00:03:28,900
talking about the pair of puppies
Erica Tinkler's recently acquired.

55
00:03:28,940 --> 00:03:33,060
Woof woof!


56
00:03:34,580 --> 00:03:37,900
Um, puberty let the dogs out.

57
00:03:37,940 --> 00:03:41,020
It's normal for your bodies
to change and grow.

58
00:03:41,060 --> 00:03:43,740
In fact, the other day,
I thought I found a lump.

59
00:03:43,780 --> 00:03:45,180
Don't worry, nothing cancerous,

60
00:03:45,220 --> 00:03:49,380
turns out it was just a knot of dead
skin in the old pork purse.

61
00:03:49,420 --> 00:03:51,980
Rats. We've got rats.

62
00:03:52,020 --> 00:03:55,660
Rats are really just big black mice,
like Rastamouse.

63
00:03:55,700 --> 00:03:57,500
So, don't be scared of them,

64
00:03:57,540 --> 00:04:02,060
and please, please, please
don't tell your parents.

65
00:04:02,100 --> 00:04:06,940
Item two. The PE teacher has quit to
become a tree surgeon. I know!

66
00:04:06,980 --> 00:04:09,420
Email from his lawyer
saying something about

67
00:04:09,460 --> 00:04:11,940
operations on a yew tree.
Good luck to the guy.

68
00:04:11,980 --> 00:04:15,420
Luckily, we've got a new signing, who's
going to be taking over

69
00:04:15,460 --> 00:04:18,060
the school's worst performing
class, Special K...

70
00:04:18,100 --> 00:04:20,220
um, Form K.

71
00:04:20,260 --> 00:04:26,820
As the Archbishop of Banterbury, I
hereby ordain thee, Brother Schwimer.

72
00:04:31,740 --> 00:04:33,620
Explosion, shrapnel.

73
00:04:35,700 --> 00:04:39,100
That handshake is the best thing that's
ever happened to me.

74
00:04:41,340 --> 00:04:43,260
So, a little about me.

75
00:04:43,300 --> 00:04:45,820
I just got back from Malawi,
Africa,

76
00:04:45,860 --> 00:04:49,500
where I was helping the victims of a
savage civil war.

77
00:04:49,540 --> 00:04:52,460
But I am sure as heck pretty
darn excited to be here now

78
00:04:52,500 --> 00:04:55,260
in Watford, United Kingdom.

79
00:04:57,180 --> 00:04:59,900
OK, so I'm going
to be teaching history,

80
00:04:59,940 --> 00:05:01,700
and helping out with the gym class.

81
00:05:01,740 --> 00:05:05,740
So I guess you're wondering what
qualifies this guy to teach gym?

82
00:05:05,780 --> 00:05:06,820
Yes.

83
00:05:06,860 --> 00:05:10,340
Well, I did make a brief
appearance at the Olympics

84
00:05:10,380 --> 00:05:13,980
here in London, England,
on Team USA.

85
00:05:14,020 --> 00:05:15,340
Whoo!

86
00:05:15,380 --> 00:05:16,780
What do you want? A medal?

87
00:05:16,820 --> 00:05:19,180
I won gold with the coxless four.

88
00:05:21,140 --> 00:05:25,020
Now I want to give you guys
a taste of the good old US of A.

89
00:05:25,060 --> 00:05:28,340
But I will leave
the school food to you.

90
00:05:28,380 --> 00:05:31,540
I'm not saying my students back home
were chunky or anything,

91
00:05:31,580 --> 00:05:34,340
but I could catch them skipping class on
Google Earth.

92
00:05:36,140 --> 00:05:39,060
Let's hope they keep the gun
culture at home as well, mate.

93
00:05:39,100 --> 00:05:42,980
We all know why they keep their kids
so fat. Bigger targets.

94
00:05:47,260 --> 00:05:49,100
High school massacres?

95
00:05:50,260 --> 00:05:51,660
Am I right?

96
00:05:52,780 --> 00:05:54,860
Yeah?

97
00:05:54,900 --> 00:05:57,220
Come on - he's yanking your chain.

98
00:05:57,260 --> 00:05:58,780
Gallows humour.

99
00:05:58,820 --> 00:06:02,500
Throw him in the bloody Tower with
Saint Arthur of the Round Lake.

100
00:06:04,060 --> 00:06:05,340
Classic!

101
00:06:05,380 --> 00:06:10,900
Someone lock this guy up in
Bant-anamo Bay! Hey. Timberlake?

102
00:06:10,940 --> 00:06:12,820
Oh! Who's with me?

103
00:06:12,860 --> 00:06:14,980
I love Justin Timberlake.

104
00:06:19,100 --> 00:06:21,300
Mr Wickers not with you?

105
00:06:21,340 --> 00:06:23,780
Why, do you want him?

106
00:06:23,820 --> 00:06:25,460
I don't "want" him.

107
00:06:25,500 --> 00:06:28,060
I just thought he'd be yapping
around your cankles

108
00:06:28,100 --> 00:06:32,100
like some over-excited puppy that needs
a good spade to the genitals.

109
00:06:32,140 --> 00:06:38,660
Just to clarify, because I don't want
you misreading any signals,

110
00:06:38,700 --> 00:06:44,420
it may shock you to learn that
a sexual carnivore like myself

111
00:06:44,460 --> 00:06:48,420
was, for a spell, herbivorous.

112
00:06:48,460 --> 00:06:51,820
Well, I don't understand a word of what
you just said but I'm guessing

113
00:06:51,860 --> 00:06:54,660
it's something to do with the
fact I've got a girlfriend?

114
00:06:54,700 --> 00:06:56,860
I understand your surprise now,

115
00:06:56,900 --> 00:07:01,220
but this velociraptor couldn't wolf down
the caper bush for ever.

116
00:07:01,260 --> 00:07:03,140
Are you trying to flirt with me?

117
00:07:03,180 --> 00:07:07,780
No! No, no, no. Women cannot live
on pitta alone.

118
00:07:07,820 --> 00:07:10,020
I need a little kofte in my kebab.

119
00:07:10,060 --> 00:07:13,780
Well, I'm sure that comes as a relief
to many, many men.

120
00:07:13,820 --> 00:07:17,580
I want you to know that I am...

121
00:07:17,620 --> 00:07:19,900
Back on solids.

122
00:07:19,940 --> 00:07:21,660
Phew.

123
00:07:29,900 --> 00:07:31,820
We need to talk about Kevin.

124
00:07:31,860 --> 00:07:34,460
You can talk to me
about anything you want.

125
00:07:34,500 --> 00:07:37,700
My door is so open,
it's off its hinges.

126
00:07:42,060 --> 00:07:43,820
Yeah, I get it. Very clever.

127
00:07:43,860 --> 00:07:46,020
Why didn't you tell me
I was losing my class?

128
00:07:46,060 --> 00:07:47,860
After that fire
at the swimming gala,

129
00:07:47,900 --> 00:07:51,420
Pickwell has got my jolly pink
giant by the scruff of its neck.

130
00:07:51,460 --> 00:07:52,940
She said either I hire Kevin

131
00:07:52,980 --> 00:07:55,860
or she reports me to various
child welfare agencies,

132
00:07:55,900 --> 00:07:58,940
none of which are mahusive fans
of Super-F.

133
00:07:58,980 --> 00:08:01,700
Well, I don't care
where I have to take this fight -

134
00:08:01,740 --> 00:08:03,340
I'm getting my kids back.

135
00:08:03,380 --> 00:08:06,660
Oh, BT dubs, if you're planning a
Fathers for Justice-style protest,

136
00:08:06,700 --> 00:08:09,460
I've got wide a variety of superhero
costumes you could borrow.

137
00:08:09,500 --> 00:08:11,580
The only one I can't lend you
is the Superman one.

138
00:08:11,620 --> 00:08:13,020
Why not?

139
00:08:15,460 --> 00:08:17,300
How long have you been
wearing that?

140
00:08:17,340 --> 00:08:20,860
Every day for four years. In case I need
to save the school bus.

141
00:08:22,860 --> 00:08:25,820
Buttons, buttons...
Where are the buttons?

142
00:08:34,420 --> 00:08:37,700
Right, look, you can't just give
my class away.

143
00:08:37,740 --> 00:08:39,780
Can too. Can not.

144
00:08:39,820 --> 00:08:42,220
Can can, can can.
I can do the can can.

145
00:08:42,260 --> 00:08:44,980
Yeah, well, I've spoken to them and
my class want me back.

146
00:08:45,020 --> 00:08:46,540
They would take a bullet for me.

147
00:08:46,580 --> 00:08:48,620
Ha! I find that hard to believe.

148
00:08:48,660 --> 00:08:50,740
What the hell is that?

149
00:08:54,180 --> 00:08:57,740
OK. Right, you are aware this
isn't Hogwarts?

150
00:08:57,780 --> 00:09:01,580
Mr Wickers, meet Rumsfeld.
Rumsfeld, meet Mr Wickers.

151
00:09:01,620 --> 00:09:03,620
Why is there an owl on your arm?

152
00:09:03,660 --> 00:09:05,780
Well, Mr Fraser's attempts
to eradicate the vermin

153
00:09:05,820 --> 00:09:07,580
have, thus far, been
unsuccessful, so...

154
00:09:07,620 --> 00:09:09,020
An owl is the solution?

155
00:09:09,060 --> 00:09:12,540
Well, I wanted to use mustard gas, but
some precious Red Tape Susan

156
00:09:12,580 --> 00:09:15,580
said that sulphur-based cytotoxins and
children are incompatible.

157
00:09:15,620 --> 00:09:17,740
Hence, Rumsfeld and I
are hunting rats...

158
00:09:17,780 --> 00:09:20,580
Oh, and there's one
in particular that's so grubby,

159
00:09:20,620 --> 00:09:24,580
even turds retch as they glide past him
in the sewer.

160
00:09:24,620 --> 00:09:28,660
OK, well, I assume I'm that rat in that
little pooey analogy of yours.

161
00:09:28,700 --> 00:09:30,060
But let me tell you this, there
is

162
00:09:30,100 --> 00:09:33,220
absolutely no way on Earth that I'm
going to stand by and watch you...

163
00:09:33,260 --> 00:09:36,780
Cheep, cheep, cheep. Would you like to
meet your new form now?

164
00:09:36,820 --> 00:09:38,020
Fine.

165
00:09:42,340 --> 00:09:43,980
I'm teaching 2J?

166
00:09:44,020 --> 00:09:46,580
Putting me in there is like
putting Justin Bieber

167
00:09:46,620 --> 00:09:49,140
on the main stage at Reading.
They'll murder me.

168
00:09:49,180 --> 00:09:51,340
Remember - don't look them
in the eye.

169
00:09:51,380 --> 00:09:55,820
Oh, and the smell of urine? They're just
marking their territory.

170
00:09:55,860 --> 00:09:58,420
As I walk through the valley of
the shadow of death...

171
00:09:58,460 --> 00:10:00,940
I take a look at my life
and realise there's nothing left

172
00:10:00,980 --> 00:10:02,580
Cos I've been laughin' and blastin'

173
00:10:02,620 --> 00:10:05,100
so long that even my momma
thinks that my mind is gone.

174
00:10:05,140 --> 00:10:07,500
I didn't know you were a
Coolio fan!

175
00:10:07,540 --> 00:10:09,140
It's the Bible. Psalm 23.

176
00:10:09,180 --> 00:10:10,980
Whatever. It's definitely Coolio.

177
00:10:11,020 --> 00:10:12,940
It's a tune, though,
I'll give you that.

178
00:10:12,980 --> 00:10:16,740
Oh, I forgot to mention,
they're studying this.

179
00:10:23,180 --> 00:10:24,540
Right.

180
00:10:24,580 --> 00:10:27,300
Listen up, you little bastards.

181
00:10:27,340 --> 00:10:32,300
Before we begin, I want to
make one thing crystal clear.

182
00:10:39,100 --> 00:10:42,060
I could kick the shit out of you
in a fight.

183
00:10:42,100 --> 00:10:45,700
And don't think that I wouldn't just
because you're smaller than me

184
00:10:45,740 --> 00:10:47,660
and some of you are little girls.

185
00:10:47,700 --> 00:10:52,620
Any questions? No. Thought not.

186
00:10:52,660 --> 00:10:55,780
Beowulf, chapter one.

187
00:10:55,820 --> 00:11:00,900
In hildy-fildy pildy harque-wun
pur-pon diddly dee di

188
00:11:00,940 --> 00:11:02,700
diddle-um dee didly dom...

189
00:11:07,860 --> 00:11:09,940
Six minutes, 17 seconds.

190
00:11:09,980 --> 00:11:11,540
They're monsters! They're 11.

191
00:11:11,580 --> 00:11:14,300
Just think of it as babysitting.
I'm not a babysitter.

192
00:11:14,340 --> 00:11:16,380
No, of course you're not.
They are babysitting you.

193
00:11:16,420 --> 00:11:19,460
I see visions of me dead.
Lord, are you there?

194
00:11:19,500 --> 00:11:21,460
The Bible? Tupac.

195
00:11:21,500 --> 00:11:22,740
No, please!

196
00:11:34,100 --> 00:11:36,340
A little orphan looked up at
me and said...

197
00:11:36,380 --> 00:11:38,180
Nicola Berti's been stabbed!

198
00:11:38,220 --> 00:11:39,740
Don't worry, I know first aid.

199
00:11:39,780 --> 00:11:42,300
She's bleeding out by
the school gates. Go, quick!

200
00:11:42,340 --> 00:11:44,060
Go. Go.

201
00:11:46,660 --> 00:11:49,380
Okey-dokey, time for a little chat.

202
00:11:49,420 --> 00:11:52,100
Is Nicola going to die?
Nicola?

203
00:11:52,140 --> 00:11:56,100
Oh, no, that was just something I said
to get rid of Kevin of Nazareth.

204
00:11:56,140 --> 00:11:59,020
Gullible! So not LOL, sir.

205
00:11:59,060 --> 00:12:00,380
What's that?

206
00:12:00,420 --> 00:12:02,980
Mr Schwimer ran the New York Marathon
for Protect the Rhino.

207
00:12:03,020 --> 00:12:05,860
Protect the rhino?
They're basically dinosaurs!

208
00:12:05,900 --> 00:12:08,140
I think they can look after
themselves.

209
00:12:08,180 --> 00:12:12,780
I have been thinking long and hard about
how I'm going to get you back.

210
00:12:12,820 --> 00:12:15,380
I have considered
every possible option -

211
00:12:15,420 --> 00:12:18,820
and I'm going to need one of you to say
that Kevin touched you.

212
00:12:20,220 --> 00:12:23,140
A little fiddle. Anyone?

213
00:12:25,060 --> 00:12:27,740
Oh, God, you guys are so square!

214
00:12:28,820 --> 00:12:29,980
Joe?

215
00:12:30,020 --> 00:12:33,180
Your new haircut's given you
a kind of choirboy vibe.

216
00:12:33,220 --> 00:12:34,820
They tend to dig that look.

217
00:12:34,860 --> 00:12:36,060
No way.

218
00:12:36,100 --> 00:12:40,860
I just want my class back.
What am I going to do?

219
00:12:40,900 --> 00:12:43,140
Cut and run? Take me to France, sir.

220
00:12:43,180 --> 00:12:47,300
Overnight ferry, shack up in Bordeaux,
let the man-hunt begin.

221
00:12:47,340 --> 00:12:48,940
Come and get us, Interpol.

222
00:12:48,980 --> 00:12:50,860
I've got a plan to get rid of him, sir.

223
00:12:50,900 --> 00:12:52,100
Shoot. Right!

224
00:12:52,140 --> 00:12:54,660
We're going to need a van,
some cable ties and an alibi.

225
00:12:54,700 --> 00:12:57,500
Oh! Mitchell, we're not re-enacting your
parents' honeymoon.

226
00:12:57,540 --> 00:13:00,900
We have to get rid of Kevin
somehow. He's such a dick.

227
00:13:00,940 --> 00:13:02,020
Isn't he?

228
00:13:04,820 --> 00:13:09,580
Well, the thing is, sir, Mr Schwimer's
actually pretty rad.

229
00:13:09,620 --> 00:13:12,180
Rad? Who are you?

230
00:13:12,220 --> 00:13:14,700
Look, what has this guy got
that I haven't?

231
00:13:14,740 --> 00:13:17,820
Timetables. Abs.
Dress sense. A penis.

232
00:13:17,860 --> 00:13:21,420
Mr Schwimer went to college
with Ashton Kutcher.

233
00:13:22,580 --> 00:13:25,660
So what? Give a shit?
I've got celebrity friends, too.

234
00:13:25,700 --> 00:13:28,940
My friend Atticus Hoye
was on Total Wipeout.

235
00:13:28,980 --> 00:13:32,020
Mr Schwimer's a pro skater,
sir. He invented his own trick.

236
00:13:32,060 --> 00:13:34,340
What else has he done?
Turned water into wine?

237
00:13:34,380 --> 00:13:36,260
He's teetotal.

238
00:13:36,300 --> 00:13:39,820
Jesus! As if he couldn't get
any creepier!

239
00:13:39,860 --> 00:13:42,580
Kids, if I can teach you
one thing about life,

240
00:13:42,620 --> 00:13:44,900
never trust a man
that doesn't drink.

241
00:13:44,940 --> 00:13:46,780
Has Kevin just been
peacocking all morning?

242
00:13:46,820 --> 00:13:48,380
Has he actually taught you anything?

243
00:13:48,420 --> 00:13:49,980
The English kings and queens.

244
00:13:50,020 --> 00:13:52,340
All of them?
That's impossible.

245
00:13:52,380 --> 00:13:54,900
Five, six, seven, eight...

246
00:13:54,940 --> 00:13:58,060
Willie, Willie, Harry, Stee,
Harry, Dick-John, Harry three,

247
00:13:58,100 --> 00:14:01,460
one two three Neds, Richard two,
Harrys four five, six, then who?

248
00:14:01,500 --> 00:14:04,460
Edwards four-five, Dick the bad, Harrys
seven-eight, Ned the Lad,

249
00:14:04,500 --> 00:14:07,780
Mary, Bessie, James the Vain, Charlie,
Charlie, James again,

250
00:14:07,820 --> 00:14:11,060
William Mary, Anna Gloria, Four Georges,
William and Victoria,

251
00:14:11,100 --> 00:14:14,380
Edward seven next, and then
George the fifth in 1910,

252
00:14:14,420 --> 00:14:18,140
Ned the eighth soon abdicated then
George the sixth was coronated,

253
00:14:18,180 --> 00:14:22,940
and if you've not lost your breath,
give a cheer for Elizabeth.

254
00:14:27,940 --> 00:14:32,180
Meh! When would you actually use that?

255
00:14:32,220 --> 00:14:35,220
I teach you
transferable life skills,

256
00:14:35,260 --> 00:14:38,100
like the rap from
Fresh Prince of Bel-Air!

257
00:14:38,140 --> 00:14:40,980
In West Philadelphia,
born and raised...

258
00:14:41,020 --> 00:14:43,300
Please, not again.

259
00:14:43,340 --> 00:14:44,900
Stop it.

260
00:14:45,980 --> 00:14:48,020
Oh!

261
00:14:48,060 --> 00:14:51,220
Please help me! I hate 2J!

262
00:14:52,260 --> 00:14:56,060
One of them made me...
fellate a Pritt Stick.

263
00:14:56,100 --> 00:14:57,860
My mouth's still gluey.

264
00:14:59,620 --> 00:15:02,460
Why don't you seduce Miss Pickwell?
Flirt your way out of it.

265
00:15:02,500 --> 00:15:04,020
You can practise on me, if you like.

266
00:15:04,060 --> 00:15:05,900
Please, Chantelle!

267
00:15:05,940 --> 00:15:08,940
I would have to try
literally everything

268
00:15:08,980 --> 00:15:11,540
before I resorted
to flirting with Pickwell.

269
00:15:16,700 --> 00:15:19,780
Hey, Izz.
You're looking pretty fit today.

270
00:15:21,300 --> 00:15:24,540
How do you get that lovely
natural glow to your skin?

271
00:15:24,580 --> 00:15:28,100
Pumice and bleach. What do you want?

272
00:15:29,780 --> 00:15:32,060
Just wanted to ask you a question.

273
00:15:33,100 --> 00:15:35,060
Are you from Tennessee?

274
00:15:36,100 --> 00:15:39,900
Cos you're the only
ten-ah-see.

275
00:15:40,940 --> 00:15:45,260
Plans tonight? Me, you, my crib,

276
00:15:45,300 --> 00:15:47,780
turn my onesie into a twosie?

277
00:15:49,420 --> 00:15:52,460
Hey, was your dad a thief?

278
00:15:52,500 --> 00:15:55,340
No, he was a butcher
in East Kilbride.

279
00:15:55,380 --> 00:16:00,180
Because he stole the stars
and put them in your eyes.

280
00:16:00,220 --> 00:16:03,900
Was your father a surgeon, because he
stole the brain of an ape

281
00:16:03,940 --> 00:16:07,980
and put it into the body
of a hairy little girl.

282
00:16:08,020 --> 00:16:13,060
Come, come, Iso-bel,
there's no need to be like that.

283
00:16:14,780 --> 00:16:17,260
Oh, silly me.

284
00:16:28,700 --> 00:16:31,180
30 minutes. Me on top.

285
00:16:32,460 --> 00:16:34,180
Penetrative.

286
00:16:34,220 --> 00:16:37,340
Those are my terms, Mr Wickers,

287
00:16:37,380 --> 00:16:40,140
should you wish to screw
your way out of this.

288
00:16:40,180 --> 00:16:41,700
Oh, and biting.

289
00:16:41,740 --> 00:16:45,900
Lots and lots of biting.

290
00:16:54,220 --> 00:16:59,500

they've done to me

291
00:16:59,540 --> 00:17:01,900


292
00:17:01,940 --> 00:17:05,060

I just wanna be

293
00:17:05,100 --> 00:17:10,380

they've done to me

294
00:17:10,420 --> 00:17:14,020

I just wanna be

295
00:17:15,460 --> 00:17:17,220


296
00:17:19,220 --> 00:17:21,300


297
00:17:24,260 --> 00:17:28,020
I just wanna dream,
dream...

298
00:17:28,060 --> 00:17:30,820
Yo, alpha male!

299
00:17:30,860 --> 00:17:33,460
Hey, you know Kevin DJs?
He's coming round mine later.

300
00:17:33,500 --> 00:17:36,300
I'm gonna play my mash-up of Chaka Khan
and Chaka Demus and Pliers.

301
00:17:36,340 --> 00:17:38,500
It's called Chaka Chaka Demus and Khan.
Are you in?

302
00:17:38,540 --> 00:17:40,500
Oh, God, no, I can't.

303
00:17:40,540 --> 00:17:43,020
I've got to go home tonight and run a
bath to slit my wrists in

304
00:17:43,060 --> 00:17:45,860
because someone gave my class away to
some stupid American

305
00:17:45,900 --> 00:17:49,500
that they've all fallen in love with and
I'm stuck with shitty, horrible 2J.

306
00:17:49,540 --> 00:17:51,180
Why have you got a recorder?

307
00:17:51,220 --> 00:17:52,340
Well, I read this article

308
00:17:52,380 --> 00:17:54,820
written by a freelance pest
control expert in Germany.

309
00:17:54,860 --> 00:17:55,980
From what I could gather,

310
00:17:56,020 --> 00:17:59,820
his method for drawing the rats away
from the villagers was this...

311
00:18:02,340 --> 00:18:03,460
The Pied Piper?

312
00:18:03,500 --> 00:18:05,660
Yeah, the Pied Piper!
You know him? Hm!

313
00:18:08,220 --> 00:18:11,020
Mitchell, what are you guys doing?

314
00:18:11,060 --> 00:18:14,900
I'm going to get Emo Elliot to lend
Mr Schwimer his skateboard.

315
00:18:14,940 --> 00:18:18,660
Oi, catch the rugger
ball, Jonathan Wilkinson.

316
00:18:21,580 --> 00:18:24,700
Here, surprise, sir. Do us a trick?

317
00:18:24,740 --> 00:18:28,060
Er, I can't.
No, I mean, with my knees!

318
00:18:28,100 --> 00:18:30,900
I mean, they're just in super
real bad shape, you know,

319
00:18:30,940 --> 00:18:32,260
after the marathon.

320
00:18:32,300 --> 00:18:34,260
Don't be a pussy, sir!
Yeah, go on, sir!

321
00:18:34,300 --> 00:18:36,540
I bet you're amazing at it.
I'll do a trick.

322
00:18:36,580 --> 00:18:39,260
Well, yeah! Yeah,
Mr Wickers will do the trick!

323
00:18:39,300 --> 00:18:41,940
Can you skate?
Tony Hawkes, intermediate.

324
00:18:41,980 --> 00:18:43,660
Gaming don't make you a skater,
you melt.

325
00:18:43,700 --> 00:18:47,300
Rooney plays FIFA, so eat a bag of shit
for breakfast, Mitchell.

326
00:18:47,340 --> 00:18:49,220
Just give me the board, dickhead.

327
00:18:52,820 --> 00:18:54,820
And stand back, kids -

328
00:18:54,860 --> 00:18:57,900
this school's insurance policy
doesn't cover blown minds.

329
00:18:57,940 --> 00:19:00,580
Hash-tag this shit gonna be cray.

330
00:19:00,620 --> 00:19:03,220
This shit gonna be
50 shades of cray.

331
00:19:03,260 --> 00:19:06,940
Wick-ers, Wick-ers,
Wick-ers, Wick-ers!

332
00:19:12,220 --> 00:19:14,420
Oh! Oh, shit!

333
00:19:20,860 --> 00:19:23,020
You OK, buddy?

334
00:19:24,700 --> 00:19:26,620
Am I dead?

335
00:19:41,700 --> 00:19:45,860
Oh, Mother Theresa,
where did it all go wrong?

336
00:19:52,580 --> 00:19:53,580
Sir?

337
00:19:54,780 --> 00:19:58,580
Oh, hey, Jing, where are the others?

338
00:19:58,620 --> 00:20:00,740
Mr Schwimer's friend
from the British Museum

339
00:20:00,780 --> 00:20:02,380
lent him some weapons and armour.

340
00:20:02,420 --> 00:20:05,340
They're all outside doing a Civil War
re-enactment.

341
00:20:05,380 --> 00:20:08,500
Class Wars? Is nothing sacred?

342
00:20:09,040 --> 00:20:10,400
I need to talk to you
about something.

343
00:20:10,600 --> 00:20:13,000
My Dzenga?
Do you remember when

344
00:20:13,000 --> 00:20:15,500
we used this to run through
9/11 conspiracy theories?

345
00:20:16,000 --> 00:20:19,336
See? Still
got the FBI dynamite on it.

346
00:20:20,000 --> 00:20:23,700
Look! It's all the Jews that
didn't go into work that day.

347
00:20:24,700 --> 00:20:27,238
Take it. Something
to remember me by.

348
00:20:27,639 --> 00:20:30,339
You're not dying.
-Inside I am, Jing.

349
00:20:30,840 --> 00:20:33,600
But it's all right.
I understand.

350
00:20:33,640 --> 00:20:35,360
I have to let you go.

351
00:20:35,400 --> 00:20:37,240
Just promise me this.

352
00:20:37,280 --> 00:20:40,760
Don't ever let that man
patronise you.

353
00:20:40,800 --> 00:20:45,160
Look! My suffragette glove puppets!
"Please give me the vote. "

354
00:20:45,200 --> 00:20:47,040
"Watch out for the horsey!"

355
00:20:48,440 --> 00:20:51,360
Listen. Mr Schwimer
isn't who he says he is.

356
00:20:51,400 --> 00:20:54,680
Jing, I get it. I'm shitty old Alfie,

357
00:20:54,720 --> 00:20:58,400
he's Mr Perfect Good-Teeth
Junior the Third.

358
00:20:58,440 --> 00:21:00,520
But he isn't perfect!

359
00:21:02,240 --> 00:21:05,720
Look at this photo.
Something's not right.

360
00:21:05,760 --> 00:21:06,800
Look.

361
00:21:06,840 --> 00:21:10,800
Oh, my god. The jogger behind him
has a semi.

362
00:21:10,840 --> 00:21:12,720
No, Mr Schwimer.

363
00:21:12,760 --> 00:21:14,280
Mr Schwimer's got a semi?

364
00:21:14,320 --> 00:21:15,520
The hand!

365
00:21:15,560 --> 00:21:20,040
That's a wedding ring -
and it's a ladies arm.

366
00:21:20,080 --> 00:21:22,520
Mr Schwimer isn't married...
or a lady.

367
00:21:22,560 --> 00:21:25,000
I knew there was something
wrong with him from the start.

368
00:21:25,040 --> 00:21:28,120
It's his eyes, right?
Too close together. No!

369
00:21:28,160 --> 00:21:30,360
He said he went
to Harvard, California,

370
00:21:30,400 --> 00:21:32,080
but Harvard's in
Massachusetts.

371
00:21:32,120 --> 00:21:35,520
And did you see how reluctant
the pro skater was in doing a trick?

372
00:21:35,560 --> 00:21:37,640
Why are you helping me, Jing?

373
00:21:37,680 --> 00:21:41,800
Because I love this class. It's just not
the same without you.

374
00:21:41,840 --> 00:21:45,960
You're an idiot, but you're also a nice,
kind man.

375
00:21:47,880 --> 00:21:50,800
Let's destroy this bastard's life.

376
00:21:50,840 --> 00:21:53,160
It's mash-up time, dedicated to my new
best buddy,

377
00:21:53,200 --> 00:21:56,800
two time Superbowl winning
champion Mr Schwimer.

378
00:22:19,160 --> 00:22:23,200
And one of my ancestors actually fought
in the Battle of Agincourt.

379
00:22:23,240 --> 00:22:24,880
Oi! Kevin.

380
00:22:24,920 --> 00:22:26,080
Yo, G.

381
00:22:26,120 --> 00:22:27,600
Mr Wickers to you, mate.

382
00:22:27,640 --> 00:22:28,880
It's time you confessed.

383
00:22:28,920 --> 00:22:30,440
Let me see your arms.

384
00:22:30,480 --> 00:22:31,720
My arms?

385
00:22:31,760 --> 00:22:35,680
Oh, mi lud,
stick a shilling up me chuffer!

386
00:22:35,720 --> 00:22:38,880
This is another one of your
dry, British irony jokes, right?

387
00:22:38,920 --> 00:22:40,920
Stop trying to rape
Mr Schwimer, sir.

388
00:22:40,960 --> 00:22:42,440
Shut up, Mitchell!

389
00:22:44,080 --> 00:22:45,480
Are those your arms?

390
00:22:45,520 --> 00:22:46,840
Yes.

391
00:22:46,880 --> 00:22:49,040
They look pretty feminine to me.

392
00:22:49,080 --> 00:22:50,320
I have slim arms.

393
00:22:50,360 --> 00:22:54,360
Slim, hairless,
married ladies' arms?

394
00:22:54,400 --> 00:22:56,160
Yes. Oh, funny that,

395
00:22:56,200 --> 00:22:59,560
cos didn't you win a gold medal in
the Olympic rowing, right?

396
00:22:59,600 --> 00:23:00,840
Um...

397
00:23:00,880 --> 00:23:04,240
The US team won bronze,
and you weren't in it.

398
00:23:04,280 --> 00:23:06,080
I don't even remember saying that.

399
00:23:06,120 --> 00:23:08,760
You're not a pro skater, or a DJ.

400
00:23:08,800 --> 00:23:11,800
Oh, and that horrible war in Malawi.

401
00:23:11,840 --> 00:23:14,200
Don't bring the war into this!
You weren't there, man.

402
00:23:14,240 --> 00:23:18,800
No, I wasn't. No-one was. Because
there wasn't a civil war in Malawi.

403
00:23:18,840 --> 00:23:20,520
You're a pathological liar.

404
00:23:20,560 --> 00:23:23,080
So, come on, Kevin, what have you got to
say for yourself?

405
00:23:23,120 --> 00:23:26,120
Spit it out. We're all ears.

406
00:23:28,760 --> 00:23:34,880
Sure, I exaggerate a bit.
I didn't mean to hurt anyone.

407
00:23:34,920 --> 00:23:37,040
I just wanted you to like me.

408
00:23:37,080 --> 00:23:42,240
Oh, God, a teacher
craving his pupils' approval?

409
00:23:42,280 --> 00:23:45,600
Pathetic. Go on, piss off.

410
00:23:45,640 --> 00:23:47,080
So it was all lies?

411
00:23:47,120 --> 00:23:48,440
You never won the Superbowl?

412
00:23:48,480 --> 00:23:49,880
You don't know Ashton?

413
00:23:49,920 --> 00:23:52,120
I'll never meet Demi.

414
00:23:52,160 --> 00:23:53,400
It's all fake.

415
00:23:53,440 --> 00:23:58,840
The stories, the Harvard education,
this stupid plastic armour.

416
00:24:00,280 --> 00:24:03,000
What? Yeah, these shitty little toy
guns.

417
00:24:03,040 --> 00:24:05,400
Please be careful!
Those are actually antique.

418
00:24:05,440 --> 00:24:08,560
Ooh, my name's Kevin and I've got a
buddy at the British Museum!

419
00:24:10,320 --> 00:24:11,880
Argh!

420
00:24:13,640 --> 00:24:15,840
They were loaded! Are you insane?

421
00:24:15,880 --> 00:24:17,520
They weren't supposed to be fired!

422
00:24:17,560 --> 00:24:19,920
You shot him in the arse!
Brilliant!

423
00:24:19,960 --> 00:24:21,440
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

424
00:24:21,480 --> 00:24:24,800
Don't worry, Joe, it's just
a little flesh wound.

425
00:24:24,840 --> 00:24:26,320
HELP! HELP!

426
00:24:26,360 --> 00:24:29,680
Someone go and get help.
Does anyone know first aid?

427
00:24:29,720 --> 00:24:31,160
I do. Really?

428
00:24:31,200 --> 00:24:33,000
No. Oh, Jesus!

429
00:24:33,040 --> 00:24:35,160
Sir, you're meant to suck
the bullet out.

430
00:24:35,200 --> 00:24:36,960
No, you idiot,
you're meant to piss on it.

431
00:24:37,000 --> 00:24:39,680
That's jellyfish, you tit!
Wait - that is jellyfish, right?

432
00:24:39,720 --> 00:24:41,120
Lie on your front.

433
00:24:41,160 --> 00:24:45,600
No. No, Jing, it's fine. I'll do it,
I'm desperate, anyway. No, sir!

434
00:24:45,640 --> 00:24:48,080
Joe, just a quick one.

435
00:24:48,120 --> 00:24:50,640
You know the way your mum's not a
massive fan of mine,

436
00:24:50,680 --> 00:24:53,080
if she asks about this -
she might not -

437
00:24:53,120 --> 00:24:56,280
could you maybe tell her that you sat on
the bullet? Argh!

438
00:24:56,320 --> 00:24:59,360
Wrong moment. Help! HELP!

439
00:24:59,400 --> 00:25:01,160
Sir literally gave him
a new arsehole.

440
00:25:01,200 --> 00:25:03,280
Why is no-one coming?
Pass me the other gun!

441
00:25:03,320 --> 00:25:04,920
Gonna put him
out of his misery, sir?

442
00:25:04,960 --> 00:25:07,640
No, distress signal. Give it here.

443
00:25:13,880 --> 00:25:17,320
Oh, shit. Rumsfeld!

444
00:25:17,360 --> 00:25:20,360
Shit, shit, shit! Please don't be dead,
please don't be dead.

445
00:25:20,400 --> 00:25:22,800
One two, one two.

446
00:25:22,840 --> 00:25:25,480
Come on, Rumsfeld.
Don't fly towards the light.

447
00:25:25,520 --> 00:25:27,880
Pickwell's coming. Oh, no!

448
00:25:34,000 --> 00:25:36,680
Right, if anyone asks,
Kevin fired the guns.

449
00:25:36,720 --> 00:25:38,400
Yup. Sure. Definitely.
That's a lie!

450
00:25:38,440 --> 00:25:40,680
Is it a lie?
Or am I just exaggerating?

451
00:25:41,920 --> 00:25:43,400
My baby!

452
00:25:43,440 --> 00:25:44,640
I heard gunshots!

453
00:25:44,680 --> 00:25:48,240
The man of steel is here
to save the day.

454
00:25:50,960 --> 00:25:52,360
Are you OK, sweetheart?

455
00:25:52,400 --> 00:25:53,840
My bum hurts.

456
00:25:53,880 --> 00:25:55,080
Not for the first time.

457
00:25:55,120 --> 00:25:58,600
Keep pressure on the wound.
What have you done?

458
00:26:00,280 --> 00:26:04,840
It wasn't him, Miss Gulliver.
I fired the gun by mistake.

459
00:26:04,880 --> 00:26:08,960
See, you told me my kids wouldn't take
a bullet for me, but...

460
00:26:09,000 --> 00:26:11,880
Joe's a hero, miss. He threw
his arse in front of the bullet!

461
00:26:11,920 --> 00:26:15,040
Yeah, his bottom was like Kevin Costner
in The Bodyguard.

462
00:26:15,080 --> 00:26:18,200
Forget about the boy!
Rumsfeld!

463
00:26:18,240 --> 00:26:20,640
This man has lied about everything!

464
00:26:20,680 --> 00:26:23,720
Except for the bit about
shooting Joe. I'm a fraud.

465
00:26:23,760 --> 00:26:26,120
But what about my mash-ups?
You said you liked them?

466
00:26:26,160 --> 00:26:27,400
I didn't really.

467
00:26:27,440 --> 00:26:29,040
You're dead to me.

468
00:26:29,080 --> 00:26:32,440
When we confronted him, he freaked out
and turned the gun on Joe.

469
00:26:32,480 --> 00:26:34,480
And then he reloaded
to shoot your pigeon.

470
00:26:34,520 --> 00:26:37,080
I have a problem.
I can't help lying.

471
00:26:37,120 --> 00:26:40,520
I say one thing
and then it just spirals.

472
00:26:40,560 --> 00:26:44,040
I'm not even
from America. I'm from Birmingham.

473
00:26:44,080 --> 00:26:45,600
Not even Birmingham, actually.

474
00:26:45,640 --> 00:26:50,840
Dudley, near Tipton, you know,
off the A4123.

475
00:26:50,880 --> 00:26:52,520
Sorry, everyone.

476
00:26:52,560 --> 00:26:55,640
Now I've been honest, can we be buddies?
I've got a jetpack.

477
00:26:55,680 --> 00:26:58,680
I flew to France on it,
all the way... Brrrrrr!

478
00:26:58,720 --> 00:27:00,360
D'you want to have a go?

479
00:27:00,400 --> 00:27:01,480
I'll have a go.

480
00:27:03,600 --> 00:27:05,800
He's lying again, isn't he?

481
00:27:05,840 --> 00:27:08,440
If you ever set foot
on these premises again,

482
00:27:08,480 --> 00:27:11,880
I will personally send you back to
Dudley piece by piece.

483
00:27:11,920 --> 00:27:13,480
Starting with these.

484
00:27:19,160 --> 00:27:21,800
Does this mean
we get Mr Wickers back?

485
00:27:21,840 --> 00:27:23,240
I think it does.

486
00:27:23,280 --> 00:27:25,080
Yes!

487
00:27:25,120 --> 00:27:27,720
That's right, kids,
Daddy's back for good.

488
00:27:27,760 --> 00:27:32,280
And I will never, ever let you get put
in danger again,

489
00:27:32,320 --> 00:27:35,920
because I am here
to protect you children.

490
00:27:35,960 --> 00:27:40,680
23rd October, 1942.
The tank battle of El-Alamein.

491
00:27:40,720 --> 00:27:43,400
Rommel, ready?

492
00:27:43,440 --> 00:27:45,680
Monty, ready?

493
00:27:45,720 --> 00:27:48,080
Three, two, one!

494
00:27:55,400 --> 00:27:57,120
Oh, fuck!

495
00:27:57,170 --> 00:28:01,720
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